Silent Grief
Ever since my mother passed away in September, I’ve been experiencing a heaviness in the chest. Irregular heartbeats. Shortness of breath. Dry cough and sleepless nights.
I was concerned and thought maybe I should have my heart checked by a cardiologist. I’m 43 and heart disease does run in my Family.
My mom had a quadruple bypass.
My grandmother had a triple bypass.
Let’s not forget my mother’s AFib, high blood pressure, diabetes and failing kidneys.
Whatever is happening to me physically comes and goes. Some days I feel like my normal self. Then I’m on the couch and my heart is fluttering. It’s a strange sensation. It makes me anxious. I was really concerned about my health until something happened most recently.
I took a small nap this past Sunday. It was a good nap. I needed it. I feel like lately I’m constantly tired.
During my nap I dreamt of the memory of our last Disney trip with my Mom. A real moment between us. A beautiful flashback. It felt like present time.
She and I were on the Finding Nemo ride at Epcot. My Mother said she was having the best time of her life and she thanked me for taking her to Disney. I said aww Mom. I’m glad you’re having a nice time. I love you. And we hugged. I knew it was a special moment I’d never forget. We hugged and I instantly woke up with a tightness in my chest.
I felt sick. A pit in my stomach. Almost like I was terrified. The feeling of impending doom. A sudden panic attack came over me. I went outside for some fresh air. My dog was there with me in the backyard. I sat and thought about what just happened. It was a great memory. But what is this pounding in my chest?
I finally understood the feeling I was experiencing was just grief. My heart is just so sad I feel broken.
Still, after 2 months of my mother’s passing. I am not okay. I seem okay. But I cried all Sunday afternoon. I cried like my mother just died.
Have I not mourned her enough? Was I so busy with work, funeral arrangements and family that I’ve held off from grieving? Perhaps.
I googled my symptoms of Grief and here is what I found:
Symptoms of grief are diverse and can manifest physically, emotionally, and behaviorally, including sadness, fatigue, and trouble concentrating. Individuals may also experience physical symptoms like headaches, nausea, or sleep disturbances, and behavioral changes such as social withdrawal or difficulty making decisions. These symptoms can include a range of emotions, such as anger, anxiety, or even a temporary sense of euphoria, and the process of grieving varies for everyone
Fatigue and exhaustion: Grief can be physically draining.
Aches and pains: Unexplained aches, headaches, or a tight feeling in the chest and stomach can be symptoms.
Digestive issues: Nausea, upset stomach, or changes in appetite (weight loss or gain) are common.
Sleep disturbances: You may have trouble sleeping or experience disturbed sleep patterns.
Weakened immunity: Grief can impact the immune system, making you more susceptible to illness.
Breathing difficulties: Shortness of breath or a feeling of heaviness in the chest can occur.
Well, there you have it.
That sudden heaviness in my chest. Why I feel like I’m losing my mind. It’s all because I miss my mother so much.
This week was tough on me. I’m sure things will improve in time. For now, I’ll keep a close eye on how I feel. If it continues then I’ll see a doctor.
But I’m pretty sure it’s all emotional stress and eventually I’ll feel better.
I pray the Lord grants me peace to get through this hard time in my life.
John 14:27, "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid"
